Corporate Entity

By Daniel Indalecio Guzman

(originally published in Cellstories)

The news spreads around the office while Sammy and I walk over to the boardroom to wait for the meeting to start. He brings the rest of his halal chicken from lunch, and in-between bites tells me his theory of what it’s gonna be.

“It’s drugs,” he says. “All the CEO’s have drug problems.”

Evelyn comes in after us, and the trio of friends is complete. She says she heard the Boss is going to prison, but I’m skeptical. Evelyn also once said that if you mix Regular Cola with water, you get Diet.

Harold and Justin appear a few minutes later with the rest of their alpha dog pack. They zero in on the coffee machine like if it was a hot new temp, then take their places around the big round table to exchange more rumors.

“I hear the Boss is getting a sex-change,” says Harold, because Harold’s an idiot.

Only Geraldine, the old receptionist, seems to know what is happening.

“I hear we’re merging with another company.”

“Oh, god,” says Sammy. “Is it friendly or hostile?”

But, before Geraldine can reply, Vivian appears amongst us like a séance, small with cruel eyes. She’s been Vice President with the company all her life, it seems. No one speaks, as her presence implies that the Boss is not far behind.

We hear a cough out in the hallway, and then, a large figure fills the doorframe -- the man of the hour, the Boss. I don’t know whether to stand up or applaud or what.

He coughs again into a handkerchief and lowers his large body into the chair at the front. Vivian sits to his left, eyes like knives, scratching invisible X’s on everyone.

“Well,” he begins. “Let’s get to it.” He folds his hands together on the table. “No point in beating around the bush, so I’ll just say it. There’s been a lot of talk back and forth with our competitor in California, and now, it’s official. We’re merging.”

Everyone looks at Geraldine, who sits smiling.

Then, Evelyn, of all people, starts to cry. I don’t think anyone saw that coming. Even the Boss looks a little surprised, as no one has ever really loved the guy, especially her, I thought, who used to send me emails – sad, sweet little entries – about everything in her life. It was touching, really.

He goes into a long speech about his plans. I only hear bits and pieces, like the ominous part where Vivian gets promoted. Sammy nudges my arm. I realize I was dozing off.

He’s deep into his pitch now. “There’s going to be a lot of tension. A lot of fighting between the two camps. But, I promise you, you’re jobs are all secure. And, after the merger is complete, you will all receive bonuses.”

Harold claps, and soon the rest of the boardroom is doing a round of applause.

“We’ll get more laptops, and I’m talking the good ones, too,” the Boss says, getting into it.

More applause.

“We’ll get a better health insurance deal out of it,” he says, “Your benefits will grow. It’s really a win-win....”

Then, he pauses, and he’s looking at his big hands, just looking at them. We all look down at his hands, too, as if expecting to see a magic trick. But, there’s nothing there. He closes his hands, and then brings up his fists to the sides of his head, his eyes closed tight, his face glowing red.

“Wow,” Sammy says. “He looks like he’s going to pop.”

Some of the other people close to him seem to be thinking this, too, because they start rolling their chairs away. Only Vivian continues to sit next to him, as if she’s afraid that any wrong move will void her promotion. I look at the Boss, who appears to be swelling up.

He opens his eyes, and they are blood-shot. Kinda crazy-looking. He turns to Vivian, who looks like a dwarf compared to the Boss, and a slimy tongue slips out, scraping against rows of razor-sharp teeth.

Rmmmmmm, he growls. Then, with one swift motion, he grabs Vivian and swallows her whole. That tongue flicks out again, and he belches.

He growls, still expanding. His head could almost touch the ceiling. He’s blocking the exit, and people are running to the back of the boardroom, near the window overlooking the busy street three stories below. He grabs Harold next, which is a shame, because he still owed me from the last company bar night.

Sammy and I exchange looks and start opening the window. We figure, at this height, maybe we’ll just break our legs and arms. Anything’s better than this.

The Boss reaches out and grabs two of the interns from Accounting, and then feasts himself on Human Resources. He barrels down on Justin and the rest of the dog pack, gobbling them up in seconds.

Evelyn is next to me, tugging at the window, too. The remains of Accounting lay strewn across the walls. I look back just as the Boss turns and spots us. He lumbers forward, the carpeted floors buckling with each step. He’s not even making sense anymore, just growling a string of gibberish together.

“Touch base, hit the ground running, paradigm shift, going forward, team player…”

He charges, demolishing chairs and speakerphones in his path. The three of us jump out of the way, and with his momentum, the Boss goes flying out the shattered window, crashing on the street below. He howls, but then is back on his feet, devouring pedestrians to satisfy his ever-expanding frame. We look as the Boss disappears behind a building. Evelyn reaches over and squeezes my hand. The paramedics arrive to bandage us up, and later, I take Evelyn and Sammy out for a coffee, where we talk for a while, avoiding office gossip, at least for the time being.

Postscript: It’s two weeks later as I write this. I just saw our company on the news again, with more updates on the Boss and the current state of the Big Merger. Currently, he’s devoured California’s first wave of lawyers, but is facing a tough fight from their CEO, a colossus originally from the southwest that some say is capable of demolishing mountains with his bare hands, and also has a better track record when it comes to reigning in corporate spending. The reporter is spouting off inane commentary, sounding more like an announcer for a steel-cage wrestling match than a journalist. Of course, this close to the merger, everything starts getting a little ridiculous.

© 2010 daniel indalecio guzman, all rights reserved.